Bitchy

My ex did a very interesting thing yesterday, she text messaged me. It was a simple message, "Hi." Why she did this, because she was thinking of me I guess. The bitchy part is in her follow up message not too long after, 'I just wanted to make sure you are ok, and BTW, I am happy with my decision.' What she fails to realize is that I am ecstatic with the decision!

She was never going to make the move to forging ahead and creating a life together, my friends realized this years ago, and I guess, so did I; I just was never in the right frame of mind to deal with it. Coasting along in a dead end relationship was a lot easier than ending it or forcing it to move forward.

The weird part about our relationship was that when we actually spent time together we got along great- vacations are an example and so is when her parents were away and we practically lived together for a month. Where we did not do so well is in living apart, which is something we were 90% of the time. There was no changing this because she did not want it to change and I was in a 'no changes' comfort zone. So onward we marched in a caring but passionless 5 year relationship.

I have been looking to end it for some time, hoping that every Friday night that she went out that she would call the next day and say that she met someone; it would have been such an easy door for me to take. I could feign anger and resentment while cheering deep inside that I was free to live again...the long wait would have been over.

Buying her computer was the best thing that could have happened; finding those pics of her naked ex lover was a godsend. Now I can move on without feeling like I destroyed her life in any way. Now I can move on. I guess, in a way, my stasis was a deliberate act of sabotage for this relationship, but in my own defense, it was never going to go anywhere.

Anyways, my mind is at ease, my conscience however, a little bit disturbed...not a whole lot...but enough for me to write that it is...I suppose it is because of all the things that I never shared with her, nor will ever share with her since they are irrelevant to anything. Her friends are aware of some of these things and have helped me to protect her from the hurt and the pain of them, so to them I am grateful and count on their continued discretion. Moving on is more important than closure.

Another new beginning

Another ex joins the list of exes that have come and gone; this one had been there for 5 years. I feel though, as I am breathing my first real breath in the last couple of years- enthusiastic and happy, looking forward to what life has to offer...I feel relieved.

The last few months have been pretty hellish. I've felt her being more distant, less caring and I suspected that she was having another affair. I asked her a few times and she always denied it. Now after finding pictures of a naked man on her computer- a man with whom she had her first affair years ago, all my suspicions of why she was distant, why she could never be reached at night were realized. Anyways, good riddance and good-bye to negativity; life prevails.

At the end of the day though it takes two to tangle and I know myself well enough to know that I am far from perfect. I offer no excuses for my bad behavior in our relationship, behavior which more than likely contributed to her actions and the demise of our relationship.

It's strange being in a relationship with someone who always wants to discuss your faults openly, honestly and without reservations, but then who feels attacked whenever you bring up theirs. It forces you to retreat into a shell afraid to talk...but as mentioned, they always want to discuss things, as long as it is not about themselves.

Anyways, that's over with now, and I am making myself the promise of never becoming involved in another dead end relationship. It is odd though how promising our relationship started out, I really felt this was the woman I would spend forever with; time is a cruel liar- but an honest judge of truth.

I wish her well, I wish her good health, and I wish her much happiness.